What is consent?
Sexual consent is an agreement to participate in a sexual activity. Before being sexual with someone, you need to know if they want to be sexual with you too. It’s also important to be honest with your partner about what you want and don’t want.
Consenting and asking for consent are all about setting your personal boundaries and respecting those of your partner — and checking in if things aren’t clear. Both people must agree to sex — every single time — for it to be consensual.
Without consent, sexual activity (including oral sex, genital touching, and vaginal or anal penetration) is sexual assault or rape.
Consent is easy as FRIES:
Consent is never implied by things like your past behavior, what you wear, or where you go. Sexual consent is always clearly communicated — there should be no question or mystery. Silence is not consent. And it’s not just important the first time you’re with someone. Couples who’ve had sex before or even ones who’ve been together for a long time also need to consent before sex — every time.
There are laws about who can consent and who can’t. People who are drunk, high, or passed out can’t consent to sex. There are also laws to protect minors (people under the age of 18) from being pressured into sex with someone much older than them.
The age of sexual consent is how old a person needs to be in order to be considered legally capable of consenting to sex. Adults who have sex with someone younger than the age of consent face jail time and being registered as a sex offender. The age of consent varies in different parts of the U.S. and in different countries. There may also be other laws that define the age of sexual consent by state. Learn more about the laws in your area at the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN).
What’s sexual assault and what’s rape?Rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse can have different legal definitions. In general, rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse are forms of violence in which there is sexual contact without consent — including vaginal or anal penetration, oral sex, and genital touching.
In the U.S. the legal definitions of rape and sexual assault vary. Some states use these terms interchangeably, while others define them differently. Often, people will use the term “sexual assault” to refer to any kind of non-consensual sexual contact, and use the term “rape” to mean sexual contact that includes penetration.
Anyone can be a victim — no matter their gender, sexual orientation, or age. But certain groups of people are more likely than others to experience sexual assault in their lives. Women (especially women of color), LGBT identified people, and people with developmental disabilities are more likely to experience sexual assault over the course of their lifetimes.
Sexual violence doesn’t happen in one single way. There doesn’t need to be a weapon involved and the victim doesn’t need to have fought back, screamed, or said “no” repeatedly in order for it to count as rape or sexual assault. Most sexual assaults don’t happen by strangers in dark alleyways. Often, it’s someone the victim knows or even a romantic partner. If you or someone you know has experienced this type of violence, you’re not alone, and help is available.
(From Planned Parenthood: Sexual Consent)
Consenting and asking for consent are all about setting your personal boundaries and respecting those of your partner — and checking in if things aren’t clear. Both people must agree to sex — every single time — for it to be consensual.
Without consent, sexual activity (including oral sex, genital touching, and vaginal or anal penetration) is sexual assault or rape.
Consent is easy as FRIES:
- Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
- Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.
- Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
- Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
- Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).
Consent is never implied by things like your past behavior, what you wear, or where you go. Sexual consent is always clearly communicated — there should be no question or mystery. Silence is not consent. And it’s not just important the first time you’re with someone. Couples who’ve had sex before or even ones who’ve been together for a long time also need to consent before sex — every time.
There are laws about who can consent and who can’t. People who are drunk, high, or passed out can’t consent to sex. There are also laws to protect minors (people under the age of 18) from being pressured into sex with someone much older than them.
The age of sexual consent is how old a person needs to be in order to be considered legally capable of consenting to sex. Adults who have sex with someone younger than the age of consent face jail time and being registered as a sex offender. The age of consent varies in different parts of the U.S. and in different countries. There may also be other laws that define the age of sexual consent by state. Learn more about the laws in your area at the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN).
What’s sexual assault and what’s rape?Rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse can have different legal definitions. In general, rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse are forms of violence in which there is sexual contact without consent — including vaginal or anal penetration, oral sex, and genital touching.
In the U.S. the legal definitions of rape and sexual assault vary. Some states use these terms interchangeably, while others define them differently. Often, people will use the term “sexual assault” to refer to any kind of non-consensual sexual contact, and use the term “rape” to mean sexual contact that includes penetration.
Anyone can be a victim — no matter their gender, sexual orientation, or age. But certain groups of people are more likely than others to experience sexual assault in their lives. Women (especially women of color), LGBT identified people, and people with developmental disabilities are more likely to experience sexual assault over the course of their lifetimes.
Sexual violence doesn’t happen in one single way. There doesn’t need to be a weapon involved and the victim doesn’t need to have fought back, screamed, or said “no” repeatedly in order for it to count as rape or sexual assault. Most sexual assaults don’t happen by strangers in dark alleyways. Often, it’s someone the victim knows or even a romantic partner. If you or someone you know has experienced this type of violence, you’re not alone, and help is available.
(From Planned Parenthood: Sexual Consent)
How do I talk about consent?
Talking about consent is an important part of any healthy relationship. It’s an easy way to make sure nobody is being pressured into something they don’t want to do.
Talking about what you want and don’t want and respecting your partner’s boundaries doesn’t have to be serious, scary, or awkward. Consenting and asking for consent means that everyone is being clear about their wants and needs — and that partners are respecting each other’s limits. Bonus: talking about what you want in bed can make you and your partner feel more turned-on and respected.
So, how do you ask for consent? It’s simple. Ask: “Can I [fill in the blank]?” or “Do you want me to do [fill in the blank]?” And listen for the answer. It’s also important to pay attention to their body language and tone.
If your partner says “yes” or makes it clear that they’re into it, then you have consent.
If your partner says “no,” doesn’t say anything, or says yes but seems unsure or uncomfortable, then you DON’T have consent.
If you don’t know what they want, or they say yes but don’t seem sure, check in before you continue. You can check in by saying something like:
“I want to make sure you want to do this. Should I keep going?”
“It’s okay if you’re not into this. We can do something else. What do you think?”
Never, ever pressure your partner into something they don’t want to do or seem unsure about. Let them know it’s okay if they want to stop or do something different. And once you know someone isn’t into what you’re asking about, stop asking. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected. Being pressured into doing sexual things doesn’t feel good, and it can totally ruin a relationship.
If your partner pressures you into sex, that can be a sign of an unhealthy, unsafe relationship.
Want to see consent in action? Check out our videos of couples asking for consent.
(From Planned Parenthood: How do I talk about consent?)
Talking about consent is an important part of any healthy relationship. It’s an easy way to make sure nobody is being pressured into something they don’t want to do.
Talking about what you want and don’t want and respecting your partner’s boundaries doesn’t have to be serious, scary, or awkward. Consenting and asking for consent means that everyone is being clear about their wants and needs — and that partners are respecting each other’s limits. Bonus: talking about what you want in bed can make you and your partner feel more turned-on and respected.
So, how do you ask for consent? It’s simple. Ask: “Can I [fill in the blank]?” or “Do you want me to do [fill in the blank]?” And listen for the answer. It’s also important to pay attention to their body language and tone.
If your partner says “yes” or makes it clear that they’re into it, then you have consent.
If your partner says “no,” doesn’t say anything, or says yes but seems unsure or uncomfortable, then you DON’T have consent.
If you don’t know what they want, or they say yes but don’t seem sure, check in before you continue. You can check in by saying something like:
“I want to make sure you want to do this. Should I keep going?”
“It’s okay if you’re not into this. We can do something else. What do you think?”
Never, ever pressure your partner into something they don’t want to do or seem unsure about. Let them know it’s okay if they want to stop or do something different. And once you know someone isn’t into what you’re asking about, stop asking. Everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected. Being pressured into doing sexual things doesn’t feel good, and it can totally ruin a relationship.
If your partner pressures you into sex, that can be a sign of an unhealthy, unsafe relationship.
Want to see consent in action? Check out our videos of couples asking for consent.
(From Planned Parenthood: How do I talk about consent?)
What should I do if I or someone I know was sexually assaulted?
If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault, you’re not alone. There are resources that can help you heal and offer support for both survivors and people close to them.
Remember:
The only time this isn’t true is if you are a minor (younger than the age of consent in your state) and you tell someone like a teacher, counselor, or doctor who is a mandated reporter. This means that they have to call the police regardless of if you want them to or not, according to laws that protect minors.
(From Planned Parenthood's: What should I do if I or someone I know was sexually assaulted?)
If you or someone you know experienced sexual assault, you’re not alone. There are resources that can help you heal and offer support for both survivors and people close to them.
Remember:
- It’s not your fault. You may be feeling a range of emotions, but whatever you feel, know that what happened wasn’t your fault. It was 100% their fault. Don’t blame yourself for anything you did or didn’t do.
- Make sure you’re safe. Get to a safe place or call a friend who can help you. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. If the person who assaulted you is a family member or someone you know, tell someone you trust what happened.
- Once you’re in a safe place, don’t do anything to change your appearance. You don’t have to decide right away if you’re going to talk with the police about what happened or press charges against the person who assaulted you. But just in case you do, it’s important that the doctor or nurse you visit can collect any evidence that might be on your body. So don’t take a shower or bath or wash off any parts of your body. Also if you can, don’t go to the bathroom, comb your hair, eat, smoke, drink or take any drugs. If you change your clothes, take the clothes you were wearing during the assault to the hospital or police department in a paper bag.
- Get medical care. The staff at your local Nord Center (the Nord Center is the only place in Lorain County that provides forensic examinations/rape kits- nordcenter.org/sexual-assault-services/click here to go to their site, or call their 24/7 emergency/crisis hotline: 1-800-888-6161) or Planned Parenthood health center can help you figure out your options:
- If you have injuries, or want to have a rape kit done to collect evidence in case you decide to file charges someday, you should go to the hospital right away.
- If you’re worried about having been exposed to HIV, you can take a medicine called PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) which can help prevent getting HIV after being exposed. You need to start this treatment within 72 hours of being exposed.
- If there’s a chance you could be pregnant, consider taking the morning-after pill, also known as emergency contraception. You need to take it within 5 days after unprotected sex.
- If you’re worried about STDs, it’s a good idea to get tested. Most people don’t show any symptoms, so even if you don’t have any signs of an STD, testing is important.
- Find support. Dealing with the aftermath of rape or sexual assault can be overwhelming. But you’re not alone. It may help to talk to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.
- Seek out resources. The Nord Center Sexual Assault Services Hotline is 440-204-4359, and The Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) has a 24-hour, 7-day a week support line you can reach over the phone (1-800-656-4673) or by online chat.
- Think about talking to the police. Sexual assault is a crime and you have the right to report it to the police and press charges against the person who assaulted you — if you want to. You can call the police yourself, or have a rape crisis counselor or someone you trust do it for you. The police will come and ask you questions, and they’ll also talk to you about whether or not you want to press charges. Police can also help get you to a doctor or nurse for an exam as soon as possible. The decision to call the police or not is yours to make, and not everyone decides calling the police is right for them.
The only time this isn’t true is if you are a minor (younger than the age of consent in your state) and you tell someone like a teacher, counselor, or doctor who is a mandated reporter. This means that they have to call the police regardless of if you want them to or not, according to laws that protect minors.
(From Planned Parenthood's: What should I do if I or someone I know was sexually assaulted?)
How can I support someone who was raped or assaulted?
Believe Survivors Video
Rape or sexual assault can be a traumatic, life-changing event. Sadly, chances are that you or someone close to you will experience it during the course of your life. Here are some tips for supporting someone who tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted or raped.
Listen. Believe them. Remind them that they’re not alone. Don’t judge or blame them for what happened. Remember that the blame is on the person who commits the assault, and not on the victim.
Encourage them to get help. Encourage them to go to the hospital or a nearby Planned Parenthood health center for medical attention ASAP. You can offer to drive them or go with them. And for the long term, talking with a licensed counselor or therapist about what happened, or joining a community support organization, like SOSHA, can help your friend process what happened and heal. Your nearest Planned Parenthood health center can connect you with services in your area.
Don’t pressure them. It’s up to your friend to decide if they want to report the assault to the police or authorities. If they do decide to report it, you can help by offering to be there with them.
Believe Survivors Video
Rape or sexual assault can be a traumatic, life-changing event. Sadly, chances are that you or someone close to you will experience it during the course of your life. Here are some tips for supporting someone who tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted or raped.
Listen. Believe them. Remind them that they’re not alone. Don’t judge or blame them for what happened. Remember that the blame is on the person who commits the assault, and not on the victim.
Encourage them to get help. Encourage them to go to the hospital or a nearby Planned Parenthood health center for medical attention ASAP. You can offer to drive them or go with them. And for the long term, talking with a licensed counselor or therapist about what happened, or joining a community support organization, like SOSHA, can help your friend process what happened and heal. Your nearest Planned Parenthood health center can connect you with services in your area.
Don’t pressure them. It’s up to your friend to decide if they want to report the assault to the police or authorities. If they do decide to report it, you can help by offering to be there with them.